When I started blogging sometime last year, I didn't expect much out of it. A place to put my thoughts, have a little fun, and maybe read some interesting stuff about other people. What I have gained from blogging is much more than I even put into it. It's amazing.

I have people that I really consider my friends here. When I see that they haven't posted in a few days I begin to worry. I really wonder if they're okay. I haven't called my brother in weeks, and don't really care to. But if one of you don't make it to the chatroom, I'm all over blogstream looking for you. It's crazy.

Even the people who don't comment on what I write as often as some others are missed. I have no idea who Black_Napalm is. But I know he checks me out now and again. And when he does, he usually has something useful to add. I appreciate that!

My usual cohorts are some of the best people I know. They give it to me straight, no chaser. Just how I like it. If your post was crap, they'll let you know. Why can't everyone be like that?

On a somewhat related note: I have this strange desire to see Miss Donuts nekked! I know I'm not the only one. If anyone can help me with this...

Anyway, I'm not here to gas anyone up. I just want you guys to know that through you, I've grown. I don't need all the attention that Mr. Big did. I admit that there's still a lot of him in me, but I think he's under control for now. That's all for now. Be good to each other. I'm out.

Big Shane

I really have to get home more often. I love where I'm at right now. I thought it would really suck going back to live with my mom. To be honest, it doesn't. I just wish I were around more. It's not like I even have a good reason not to be here. I get out of work @ 8:pm. That's enough time to go home, wash my asses, hang-out with the family, and then bounce. It never seems to work out that way though.

I'm supposed to be getting my life back together. I'm supposed to be getting back on my feet. Taking care of my feet is all I seem to be doing so far. I've bought a package of socks, and 3 pair of sneakers. I know I can only wear one at a time, but her, there was a sale...

My love life is going well. I guess some of you already know that. Actually, all you know is that the sex is good. The relationship side, the feelings side, that's going okay too.

Ashley persists in being an issue. Not because of her own doing though. it's still hard to let go. But it's getting a lot easier. She says she's not with her new man anymore. That's a load of shit. They're still seeing each other on the weekend, and he's still putting the wood to her. In my book, they're still together. It sucks, but it helps.

Hetzie is the shit! She's with me through all my bullshit. Emotional or otherwise. She's no Ashley, that's for sure. But frankly, that's one of the things I like about her the most.

All in all, i guess I'm actually doing pretty good. Every time I say that something really jacked up happens. So, instead, I'll just say 'I'm doing better'.

Big Shane

If you're at all religious, LEAVE NOW! This isn't that kind of post. The title may have caught your eye, but I assure you that your irises will be burned out if you read this. Consider yourself warned.

I'm a big man. I have a healthy appetite. When I eat, I don't like to get up until I'm done. Sometimes I'm done quick. Sometimes it takes a while to finish. And sometimes, GOD interrupts the meal. This is one of those times.

Let me kiss your lips. The lips between your hips. I want to go downtown.

And so there I was. Downtown. It was the middle of the night, the 'streets' were clean, and I was hungry!

The few times I've tried to do this were met with no signs of success. I don't know why, but she's just not into it. For a while it was cool. Hey, less work for me right? But after a while, it wasn't so cool anymore. Why? Because I like to do it. It's one of the things I know I'm really good at. And in my opinion, it makes the lovin' better. It definately helps to make it last longer! Not that I'm obsessed with time, but hey, we've all got our 'little things' about the sex act. Time just happens to be mine.

Anyhoo. Usually I tell my s-o what's about to happen. But given the choice, I didn't know what choice she would make. So in the best interest of all involved, I took it! That's right. I didn't let her know shit. I just started doing it! I didn't really know how she was going to take it, so I dove right in. It appears that was the best thing to do. Let me tell you why...

She LOVED it! She made some feeble attempts at pushing me away. She didn't have the strength to do that though. I talked some shit. I don't know if she heard me, or if she just didn't care. She let me keep right on doing what I was doing.

I ate it like I was a death row prisoner and her pussy was my last meal! She was having leg spasms and shit. Then she started convulsing. It was incredible. I was the man! I even put some special new stuff on it. I can't or won't explain here, but I'll tell you in private. Then came the big one. She called out for GOD!

Did you hear me? Can you believe this shit? I know we men like to brag and boast about our conquests, but this is the real deal. On two seperate occasions she called out for GOD. I had to stop. She had nothing left. To keep going would be unfair to her. But it wasn't over! What does every woman want after a good half hour of uninterrupted head? DICK! Yeah boy! I did my best to tear that ass up. I beat it up like a runaway slave! I was trying to kill it! And I would have succeded. But I don't believe in abusing my stuff. So with a beastly roar, I finished. I don't know what happened after that. I was out! And I deserved it!

You know when it's real. There have been times before when I thought those noises were made just to help you along. But this was the real shit. There was no faking. No boosting of the ego. No, fat bastard get off of me. This was the shit! I hope I get to eat with GOD again. I just hope he doesn't watch me eat!

Big Shane

So I'm driving down the ave, minding my own business, enjoying being employed. I've got the company car, a good CD is playing, the windows are down, I'm loving it. I look down the road and see a group of kids walking down the road. Some of them are on the right side of the line, some aren't. One of them is in the middle of the road on the yellow line. He decides to jet across the street when he sees his opening. His friend that tried it next wasn't so lucky.

With no preamble at all, no look behind him to see if there's any cars coming, nothing, he takes off across the street. I wish I could say I didn't see it coming, but I did. I knew I was about to hit this kid. I slammed on the brakes and locked up the wheels. To no avail. When he heard the car trying to screech to a halt he froze up and did his best hood ornament impression.

It seemed to take way too long to stop. I saw this kid roll up the hood to the cowl of the car. The sound was sickening. It had this really hollow dull thud like 'feel' to it. As the car finally stopped, he slid of the side and somehow managed to cross the street. I almost admired his tenacity. He was trying to get across the street after all. I don't think he had this in mind on how to do it, but he got it done.

Luckily there were lots of witnessess. From what I gather, they all said there was nothing I could do. That doesn't help though. I still feel sick. I don't even know the poor kid's name. All I have to go by is the dent he put in the hood of the car. I guess I could go around town and try to match the kid to the dent, but that's a little stupid. It seems like some sick and demented Cinderella for 2006.

I made the call to the boss. After I assured him that no one was going to sue him, and that it was in fact an accident he seemed to take it better. He could care less about the dent. As long as no one was going to be coming after his house and shit. I guess I don't blame him.

The fucked up part of this, other than it actually happened at all, is that it was my first day. I was only punched in for 20 minutes when it happened. Does that suck or what?

Dayum!

Big Shane

The crazy part is: I have nothing to say. That's not true. I have lots to say, but I don't know where to begin. Not to mention, I've been spending damned near every waking moment with Hetzie. That's not a bad thing, but it has it's problems. One of them is, she's READING OVER MY SHOULDER RIGHT NOW! It's hard to put your thoughts down when someone is right there. I'm going to hit her with a brick in about a minute or so.

Lately things have taken a turn. I don't know if that turn is for the better, or the worse. In a nut-shell: Ashley is single again. This poses a few problems. In no particular order, here they are.

DISCLAIMER: I mean in no way to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm merely writing what I'm feeling. I have to be honest, if for no other reason, my audience expects it.

I was with her for 6 years. In that time, we've gone through almost every aspect of a relationship. We've had good & bad. We've been broke. We've laughed and cried. We've faced our families, the law, our friends, and came out in tact. We moved in and depended on each other. We built a happy, comfortable home together. Then we broke up.

I say I never saw it coming, but I lied. We gradually grew apart. It was hard not to see it. She began spending less and less time at home. I began seeing other people. One person in particular. Although she says it isn't so, she also began seeing someone. In fact, when we broke up, she began dating him. I think that's bullshit. I think she was doing more than just hanging out with him for a while before we ended it. But that's not the issue.

The issue is, I'M STILL, AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER. What's worse? She knows it. And so does everyone else. Especially Hetzie. Herein lies my dilemma. I'm building something nice with Hetzie. We have real feelings for each other. She has this thing in the back of her mind that's telling her not to get too close. She thinks that if Ashley calls me, I'll come running. Ashley sure seems to think so. And so do I.

Everything tells me to steer clear of her. Run, don't walk. She tore my heart apart on more than one occassion. I came back every time. Bullshit, I never came back. You can't come back to something you've never left. As much as I want to get back with her, I know I shouldn't. I thank GOD she doesn't push the issue. To tell you the truth, I don't think she wants me back anyway. It's my own selfish ego that puts that there. I still think that no matter who she has in her life, no one is going to, or could ever love her the way I do. Not that that thought ever comes into play in her mind...

I keep telling Hetzie that she's tripping with no luggage. Her fears are unfounded. I don't know how much longer I'm willing to keep up that deception. The fact that she has this fear at all is what's driving a wedge between us. I'm attracted to strong women. I want to be with a woman who's going to fight for what she wants. Not physically fight, but you know what I mean. If she's not willing to fight for me, why shouldn't I go to the one who always has?

I tried to turn to friends and family for help and advice. That didn't help. They all say the same thing. Hetzie is nice, but she's not Ashley. Most of them thought that Hetzie is/was something I was doing to pass the time away until Ashley came back. At first, that might have been true. But now I don't know. We're not at the level Ashley and I were at, but she's more to me than just a random booty call! The word love has even been mentioned by both of us. But I need that love to be so much stronger.

When Ashley and I are in a room together, you can FEEL... something. You may not be able to put your finger on it, but it's there; and it's real. I can't even say what it is, but it scares the shit out of me. It's that powerful. She is one of a few women that I would kill or be killed for. I don't know what she feels for me anymore, but there's something. I just wish I knew what it was. Dayum. This shit is stressful.

This post is getting to be long as hell! I'm out. I don't want to beat a dead horse. I'm so confused. I hope one of these women make a move. A decisive move. If not, I guess I'll head to Michigan to my Angel.

I'm out. I look forward to your comments. I don't look forward to Hetzie's comments though. Is there a way I can keep her from reading this, short of breaking her fingers and poking her eyes out?

Help!

Big Shane