It appears that some of you have found one or more of my older blogs that I no longer post to. Initially, I was going to have more than one blog so I can keep issues separated accordingly. I couldn't do it.
I had actually deactivated the previous blogs to concentrate soley on this one. I apologize to the people that commented on that blog that haven't gotten the answer they were looking for. So in good spirit, I shall attempt to finish that post. Be nice, I hardly remember the incident that ignited the post.
The Network:
Unbeknownst to most men, women have a secret information network that allows them to find out anything they want. This network has no time constraints, no membership fees, and seemingly no end to what can be found out.
As men, we're inclined to do stupid things at times. Why? Because we're men! How many women do you know that would even try to ignite their flatulence? I try to maintain higher levels of decorum, but I too have fallen to this particular act of idiocy. We don't need reasons for all the things we do. We just do them! If you try to find reasons for our behavior, you'll just wind up wasting lots of time and resources to find out that we just do stupid shit for no reason at all! Accept it. It's easier that way.
Now if all we did wrong was set our farts on fire, we would be okay. Women would just think we were stupid and leave us alone. But occasionally, we do other things. Bad things. Naughty things! Not me. I, as your narrator, are above such things.
Anyone with an opposing view has already been sho... uh, dealt with accordingly. Back to the topic.
When men do their dirt, they fail to do one crucial thing. We forget to plan! We just act on instinct and do the damned thing! A lot of women find such spontanaity (sic) a turn on. Until we turn on them. When the opportunity to do some dirt arises, we get DIRTY! Why? We don't know! Don't try to figure it out. We just do it. That being what it is, here's where the trouble starts.
As men, we can't do something and not tell someone. It's just not going to happen. We have to tell someone of our conquest. That person is usually our best friend. No, not Fido. One of our two legged dog-friends. Someone we promised to keep each other's promises from the cradle to the grave. We may have even exchanged spit, blood, or GOD knows what other bodily fluid in some semi-ritualstic pact during the making of said promise. Still with me?
After Man A tells Man B what he did, Man A is relieved. He got it off of his chest. He probably got a few manly thumps on the back to show appreciation of his efforts. He goes home and resumes his normal life with none the wiser. If it would stop there like it's supposed to, everthing would be okay. Trust me on this one. It's not going to stop there, and it's not going to be okay.
Now that Man B knows what's happened, he has a secret. Contrary to popular belief, two people can keep a secret.... if one of them happens to be DEAD.
Seeing as that's not the case, something is going to happen.
In The Code of Men, page 48, paragraph 4, subsection a, it clearly states that 'a man can tell another man an other man's secrets if the third man probably would have been told the afforementioned secret by the first man in the first place.' Keep reading it until it makes sense.
A man with a secret is like a child with a new toy. Right down to the pee-pee dance we do when we're over excited. Enter the woman. Women know when we're hiding something. Not because they're especially intuned to their man and his feelings. Not even because they just don't trust us and always assume we're hiding something. So why? Because every woman has some perverse, defective gene called the OprahAngelaLansburyMontelSallyJesseRaphealJudgeJudyDaytimeDramaallupinyourbusiness gene. In short, women can be some nosey bitches! (i take time out from this post to apologize for using the word bitch. as stated by Katt Williams, I too only call women bitches because I don't know all of your names individually)
This gene will cause your woman to hound you until you tell her each and every detail of whatever your little secret was. Lesser men crack easier under pressure. Especially when hit with the 'good marriages don't have secrets' line. If the man was smart, he would realize that his marriage didn't have a secret. HE had a secret. A secret that had nothing to do with his marriage. But faced with impending P.P. (pussy probation), and D.D. (desert dick) even the strongest of us have fallen. Sad, but true.
This is where things get really fast. After hearing the secret that the man had, the woman gets on the phone. She calls her friend. That friend calls her friend. That friend mentions it in the grocery store while waiting in line. Other women who were eavesdropping on the conversation tell their friends. It's horrible. Man A's secret has now travelled faster than the Bubonic Plague, the speed of sound, internet viruses, and the local crackhead running from the police. At some point during this transcontintal voyage, Man A's wife hears it. At the time, she wasn't even trying to get any dirt about her old man. She was too busy spreading some shit she heard earlier about the pastor's wife buying new boobs with the church money. But now that she's heard it, there's going to be hell to pay. Why? I'll tell you why.
All Man A did was sneak off of work a couple hours early and go fishing. No harm, no foul right? Wrong. By the time the story got back to his wife, his little fishing trip had grown substantially. It had gotten it's 'blowupuation' on. Instead of going fishing, it turned into 'man left work tripping with some hussy who smelled like fish.' or some shit.
There's no real secret. WE are women's secret network. There's a few weak links in the chain that have to be taken out. Identify the weak link in your group. Once accomplished, avoid telling him anything at all costs. Don't even say goodmorning to that bastard.
Treat him like you WANT to treat your Mother in Law. If you see his ass on fire, don't even piss on him to put him out. In most cases he'll leave town and go fuck up someone else's shit. (what, you thought i'd make it through this whole post with no swearing?)
Well, that's all for now. I hope you've found the information contained within useful. Be careful. If women find out we know about this, pussy will run dry before we get it again. Don't let that happen!
Excerpt from The Code of Men, was used with permission from the current President of The He-Man Woman Haters Club.
Big Shane
I distinctly remember it was uncomfortable too. I had this overpowering need to adjust it. So I did. And that's when it happened.
