This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the "Agreement") is entered into on the _____day of __________, 2006,between ____________and______________.

THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.

2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.

3. No calls before 9 PM - we don't have shit to talk about.

4. None of that "lovemaking" shit - only sex allowed.

5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Where are we heading with this? Do you love me?) The answer is no, so don't ask.

6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it's only a one-time advanced arrangement.

7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.

8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.

9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it's really none of your damn business.

10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" we are not friends, just sex buddies.

11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don't be offended.

12. No extra clothing - I don't want your ass leaving anything behind when you leave.

13. No falling asleep right after sex - it's over, so get your ass up, get dressed and go the fuck home.

14. Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.

16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate's girlfriend/boyfriend."

17. Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is: the less eye contact the better.

19. No condoms, no fucking. Carry your ass home.

20. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.

21. No phone use, please - don't want anyone calling back looking for your ass.

* EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS:

The aforementioned rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly ass understands the rules.

Participating Party

Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________

Participating Party

Signature_______________________________________
Date: ________________

Standard booty call guidelines and procedures are outlined below. Any deviations from the standard should be taken as telltale signs of a developing relationship. As long as you respect the sacred rules and learn to read the warning signs you should be able to keep the booty in check and out of your apartment.

Rule #1: ALWAYS USE PROTECTION!!! If you don’t know why this is a rule go get tested for an STD right now. Or just take a moment to imagine your booty call as the mother or father of your child. If that thought makes you howl with laughter, then use protection.

Warning: If it doesn’t make you laugh hysterically, the relationship you are involved in has passed the point of booty calling and you don’t need to read the rest of this stupid list.

Rule #2: Booty calls are like vampires, they should never see the light of day. In fact just to be safe, they should never be seen before 10:30 pm.

Warning: Any time you put yourself in a position where you have to communicate with one another without having to scream over loud music, you are violating the sanctity of the booty call. Communication leads to emotions. Emotions have no place in a booty call.

Rule #3: Never arrive anywhere with your booty call. After 10:30 pm always meet her/him at the bar/party/social gathering. That is, if you have to see them in public at all. Ideally you do not. Ideally they are a phone call you make during the cab ride home.

Warning: Arriving anywhere together, in everyone’s mind, means you are together. This eliminates your options if there happens to be a better booty call around, not to mention that now one of you needs the other for a ride. You should never have to depend on your booty call for anything. They are notoriously flakey, unreliable and undependable.

Rule #4: Be flakey, unreliable, and undependable. When you say that you will call or show up in 15 minutes, really do it in 45. Change your plans often. Be elusive about where you are. Disappear for a day or two.

Warning: A booty call is never a priority; they are not the main course. Rather, try to think of them as dessert: sometimes you get it and sometimes you don’t. It will keep the booty coming back too. Booty callers in particular love the challenge of someone who is impossible to pin down.

Rule #5: Avoid doing any “boyfriend/girlfriend-like” activities. Boyfriends/girlfriends are required to do thoughtful, courteous things. You are not. Boyfriends/girlfriends are required to put their needs aside sometimes to accommodate yours. Booty callers are not.

Warning: This means no shopping, no help moving, no rides to or from the airport or any other thoughtful actions. Hanging out and not having sex is unacceptable. It could be as simple as watching a baseball game, golfing or going on a weekend ski trip—realize that the minute you start hanging out you start getting to know each other. Getting to know each other, leads to feelings for one another. (See Rule #10)

Rule #6: No excessive amount of money should be spent on a booty call. In fact, you shouldn’t really be spending money on them at all. If you have to spend it, it should be no more than the equivalent of three drinks and a slice of pizza after the night out. This means no more than $35 ($55 if you are in New York). However, spare no expense if an emergency cab ride to get out of their home and safely back to yours is necessary.

Warning: Watch your spending habits. Watch your wallet. (Literally and figuratively.) Like anything in life, the more you invest in it, the more it is worth to you.

Rule #7: Try not to meet too many of their friends, especially their oldest and best friends. Avoid meeting siblings like the plague. Under no circumstances meet the parents. This should be a no-brainer but as you probably know, brains are not a requirement for a booty call.

Warning: All of a sudden, you find that you know all of their “BFF’s.” She invites you to her nephew’s birthday party or a family BBQ. She needs a date for a cousin's wedding. Politely decline all of these invitations. The more people close to your booty call who know you, and your name, the longer the list of people who will forever think of you as a scumbag when you and your booty call part ways.

Rule #8: Beware the relationship hunter disguised as a booty caller. This shameless predator seeks to lure innocent booty callers down the rabbit hole of monogamy. They seduce their prey with luxuries and favors. Don’t get too comfortable. That’s when they pounce with their demands, accusations and needs.

Warning: It is easy to overlook these signs because of their subtlety. The other person is, in fact, doing something nice for you. But remember, with all bait, there is a string attached somewhere. She will do your laundry, cook you nice Italian meals and maybe even clean your place. That’s all fine and dandy and it’s nice to be taken care of, but now you owe her, which is the modern-day basis of all relationships.

Rule #9: Romance of any kind is strictly forbidden. A booty call should never spend the night, but if you are too drunk to drive home, avoid cuddling, cozy breakfast mornings and kissing on the lips. Watch the music you play during and after sex. NO PETER GABRIEL. MEATLOAF is also a big no-no. Stick with Jay-Z and you’ll be keepin’ the bangin’ real. A man who has “99 problems but a bitch ain’t one,” is a man who knows the rules of booty calling.

Warning: Anything romantic is a warning: flowers, candlelight dinners, watching romantic comedies together. THE NOTEBOOK is a booty caller’s kryptonite. Of course, the chief warning sign of romance is if either of you ever call “doing it,” “making love.” If this ever occurs RUN!

Rule #10: A booty call should be ended at the first signs of any feelings, either yours or theirs. This is to avoid any serious drama or being ensnared unexpectedly in the trap of a relationship.

Warning: Drunken teary-eyed confessions of love are not a good sign. Pet names and pillow talk are out, unless it’s dirty. No toe-cuddling and unless there is penetration, no spooning either. Excessive text messages or phone calls are also bad news. Maybe you noticed you have been thinking about your booty call more than usual: no good. But the big, flashing neon sign that you should abort the booty is when they ask you where the relationship is headed. That’s your sign to head for the hills.

HAPPY HUNTING!!!!

There seems to be a rumor spreading it's way around the stream about me and my panties. Pretty Rubble started it. Adam helped spread it when he mentioned it in a comment in his blog. I can't seem to remember where at the moment, but I think I've seen it somewhere else too.

I would like to say here and now, that I do not, nor have I ever worn panties. In public. Further more. What myself, Adam, Biggie T, Hook, 7, Zappa, and Scratch do in private is no one else's business!

Dammit, if I'm going down, I'm taking people with me! You try and decide who really wasn't wearing panties! Let's talk about that! So what if we want to feel something silky against our booty. (I think 7 prefers thongs) What about when you women DON'T wear any panties? How about that Ms. Rubble? We don't say anything when you girls go commando. Anything to say YingLo? Al? Heather?

Who's laughing now? My momma reads my blog sometimes. Do you know what happened when she found out I wear panties? She told me in her most soothing voice: It's okay to be gay baby. A lot of people are gay now. Now she thinks we're going to go on underwear shopping sprees! It's bad enough I've got www.wickedweasel.com as one of my bookmarks.

But it's all good. I'm formulating a plan as we speak. And like I said, I'm naming names, and I'm taking people down with me. Innocent or not!

Every year around this time I start getting more and more depressed. Feelings of inadequecy begin to creep over me and make me feel horrible.

I don't know why, but no matter how well together I've got my 'shit', it seems to fall apart just before October. Historically, I don't get it back together until after January. I question myself as a father, friend, and even as a man in general.

Through no planning of my own, bad luck seems to befall me right as summer changes to autumn. Whatever job I have seems to be in jeopardy. My relationships suffer. I try to stand tall, but without someone there to help, all seems lost. The worst part of all of this is who it affects. My children seem to take the brunt of what happens.

Let me give you an example of how bad things are. Until this year, I wasn't sure of my son's birthdate. I'm still unsure of my daughter's. Why? Probably because I don't celebrate them. I'm not a Jehova's Witness or anything like that, somehow I'm always broke when these dates come up. My son's mother, even with no job, manages to pay a $750.00 rent, her utilities, car insurance, and still have money left over to buy her children whatever they want. And I do mean WHATEVER they want.

My daughter's mother has three children and does more for them than I can do for the one of them that's mine.

Then there's the other people I let down every year. I miss my son's birthday in October. I miss my daughter's in November. My father, neice, and best friend are all in December. Then I screw them all over again for Christmas.

There's always something that keeps me from doing what other people seem perfectly able to do. Rent, insurance, whatever. I always come up short. I'm trying hard this year not to let this happen. I hope it doesn't, but the feelings of self-doubt have already begun to sink in. I don't know how to stop this downward spiral.

I don't want my children to grow up with a commercialized view of Christmas or their birthdays. I also don't want them to think that Daddy doesn't love them or that he's cheap. Neither is true. I want to do for my children and the other people in my life that I care about. I just hope I have the means. In some cases, 'just being there' isn't enough. This is one of them.

Your ideas, thoughts, and prayers are all most welcome.

Big Shane

The answer is: Because we can.

There is no more to think about on the subject of masturbation. We as men are going to handle our business when we need to handle it. If you manage to stop us, it's only temporary. The next time we get the opportunity, it's on!

There are some cases when men HAVE to masturbate. The average male produces somewhere in the neighborhood of 11 million sperm a day. While it's true that most of them die, some tend to linger. When that happens men get a condition called B.U.S.T For those that don't know, that stands for Built Up Semen Tension. If this condition isn't taken care of, it can get dangerous.

Scientists at the He-Man Woman Haters Institute of the Study of All Things Manly have determined that B.U.S.T is responsible for several things. Base & Bungee jumping. Hang-gliding. Rodeos. Ultimate Fighting Champioships. Marriage. Divorce. And lastly, Fat-Girl Porn. It takes such testicular fortitude (commonly known as 'balls') to even attempt any of these things. The most popular case of B.U.S.T was shown during the O.J. Simpson case. Johnny Cochrane must have had B.U.S.T to the 10th power to even take that case!

Masturbation also has medicinal uses. Men have known of it's calming effects for decades. One of the commom side effects of ejaculation is sleepiness. Why waste money on sleep aid products when we can just 'rub one out' and reach the same conclusion. And our way costs a lot less too.

The problem women have with men masturbating makes no sense. If anything, masturbating is a form of respect. If you're in a relationship with a man, and he masturbates, instead of yelling at him for no reason, try this. When he's done, help clean him up, give him a kiss, and tell him 'I love you too baby'. Sounds crazy right? Not if you're a man. We know that the 'nut' we just got doesn't compare to the one we get when we're with you. The simple fact is: we just HAD to get a nut. Why make your woman get all excited for something that is going to end in disappointment for her? Women hate it when it only lasts 2 or 3 minutes. But if you let your man work this one out for himself and get a quick nap, you can have dick for days! We all know that second 'nut' takes a while to bust loose. And because we as men will work to get that 'nut', we're going to tear the lining out of that pussy trying to get it! Trust me on this one. I know of what I speak.

In closing, masturbation isn't something that women should seek to stop. It should be encouraged. Take a further step and masturbate WITH you man. Trying to stop it is like trying to stop the tide from flowing, or the sun from shining, or illegals storming the border. You're not really stopping anything. You're just putting it off for another time.

Remember: We masturbate because we can, we must, we care!