My girlfriend although seemingly innocent, is anything but. She has a cute face and has the ability to produce a little squeeky voice that fools the average person. I however know the real deal.

Like most women, she has an alter ego. Not quite like a superhero or supervillan, sort of like psychopathic killer clown alter ego. Hopefully that got you all on the same page I'm on, but if not, try Single White Female, Basic Instinct, Brokeback Mountain....

If that were the whole of it, I guess she could be tolerated and allowed to live. Unfortunately that's not the case. It would seem that her alter ego has manifested itself in the strangest of places. It chose her vagina as the place to call home. Now whenever she's upset, her vagina takes over. She's nice. Her vagina is mean. It uses bad language! That was a direct quote. I wish I could, but I can't make this stuff up.

Here's the part I get in trouble for. While she was sleeping I took a picture of my girlfriend's vagina. This may disturb a few of you, but without proof, no one would believe me. Brace yourselves!



Is that not the scariest thing you've ever seen in your life? Let me tell you, it disturbs the hell out of me! If I ever saw something like that out in the wild, I would kill it. Twice!

Since I'm already going to get my ass handed to me for this, I must make something very clear. There's a lot of confusion as to who actually is my girlfriend. While I won't divulge that information, I will say this: The vagina in that picture definately does not belong to: Night Bug, Trisha, Hetzie, Kristin, or Auti_2006. Hopefully that buys me enough time to pack my shit and disappear somewhere. Anybody in Oklahoma have a couch I could sleep on for a few days? Michigan? North Cacalaky?

Some of you may have noticed that I've changed my moniker. Had I been thinking, I would have done this a little over a year ago when I started this blog.

As strange as it sounds, I need to separate my two identities. Although Big Shane is who I am on a day to day basis, Wilson Fisk will serve as my Blogstream persona. I also find it easier to write about Shane as Wilson Fisk. Weird I know, but what writer isn't?

For those of you that don't know, Wilson Fisk is also known as the Kingpin. By day he's a hugely successful business man. By night, he is the overlord of the criminal world. There is nothing that goes on that he doesn't know about or have his fingers in. Even down to seemingly insignificant purse-snatching, he better get his due. If the only thing in the purse was 12 dollars and some gum, he better get 7 bucks and half the pack! That's what's up!

Wilson is needed here at blogstream. Who else is going to roust Scrathy's bar? When Zappa needs an article for his Geekly Pages, I'm there. (as long as he only runs articles I approve).

Don't worry. I'm not experiencing blowupuation of the ego. I'll still answer to Shane (only Al calls me Shaney poo). I'm still the same guy I ever was. Hell, everyone knows Adam's name isn't Adam, but that's all we call him... Same thing.

Hit me back with your comments on this one. Thank you. I'm out!

Well, I was out. I have to leave you with this. I found it funny. I hope you will too.

I apologize for not being around. I've been sick. Real sick. I would give specifics, but they're too nasty even for me! I'll be back soon. I hope to see you in chat. I'll be the guy just watching. Love you all!

I got tagged by Shrink. I shall tag 3 people at the end. Fat kids, start running now!

1. Dated outside your race? No. I prefer humans.

2. Singing in the shower? And anywhere else I have an audience!

3. Spit in someone’s drink? No

4. Played with Barbies? I have an older sister... guilty

5. Made someone cry? All the women who can't have me.

6. Opened your Christmas presents early? What are presents?

7. Lied to a friend? Only once. Only once today...

8. Watched and cried while watching a soap opera? Hell to the no!

9. Played a computer game for more than 5 hours? Of course!

10. Ran through the sprinklers naked? Yes!

11. Ate food that fell on the floor? Who am I, Monk? Of course!

12. Went outside naked? God yes!

13. Been on stage? Yes!

14. Been on stage naked or close to it? It was a dare, I swear!

15. Been in a parade? Yes

16. Been in a school play? Yes 17. Drank beer? A few times. It was nasty!

18. Gotten detention? I had a reserved spot!

19. Been on a cruise? Nope

20. Broken into a house? What's the statute of limitations on this?

21. Gotten a tattoo? 4

22. Gotten piercings? Yes

23. Gotten into a fist fight? Winner and still Champion!

24. Gotten into a shouting match? I prefer to fight!

25. Swallowed sea/pool water? A few times

26. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose? So!

27. Laughed so hard it hurt? Yes. Eddie Murphy used to be funny!

28. Tripped on your own feet? Maybe

29. Cried yourself to sleep? He-Man here. Hell no!

30. Cried in public? He-Men cry on the inside.

31. Thrown up in public? Yes.

32. Lied to your parents? Is this a set up? They might read this!

33. Skipped class? Only on days that ended in 'y'.

34. Cried so hard you threw up? Nope

35. Had a one night stand? 22 positions in a one night stand!

36. Left restaurant without paying tab? Eat and cheat? Of course!
37. Been Fired from a job? Nope

38. Wanted to make out with your massage therapist, therapist OR hairldresser? Have you seen her? Hell to the Yes!

39. Had a drink "sent" to a stranger at a bar? No.

40. Been winked at and loved it? Oh yeah...

I tag.... Adam (of course) P.R. and Hetzie (duh)

I've been mulling an idea around for a while. Before I tell you what it is, let me give you some history on it.

All my life I've noticed that certain people seem to be rich. They always had the hot new sneakers, freshest hairstyles, and all that seemed to go with it. The strange thing was, they also all lived in the worst parts of town.

Living in the suburbs, I had a bit more than the people I'm referring to, but I didn't know it. I had a yard. My closest neighbor lived across the yard, not the hallway. One of the most important things I had that they didn't was PARENTS. Parents that had jobs. I might not have seen them as much as I wanted to, but I couldn't complain. How stupid would I sound? 'Gee Dad, it sure is easy to do homework with all these lights!' 'Hey Mom, thanks for knocking out that mortgage payment!'

Never the less, like most shit-headed, unappreciative children I wasn't happy. I wanted Nike's, and all that other shit I saw the other kids with. One day it was all explained to me. Not by my parents or some other source of knowledge. I got it when I saw a bumper sticker. It read, "I work because millions of people on welfare depend on me." After I found out what welfare was, my views were changed forever.

Now I hate these people. I don't think I'm above them. I just don't like how they take advantage of the system. My idea is to throw a monkey wrench in THEIR system.

I propose to make a new job for the city/state/county/municipality or whatever office is supposed to oversee fraud. I would like to see someone actually walking around and meeting and making appointments to see these people who are abusing the system. Were it me, here's how I would do it.

I would walk around the projects and just see what there is to see. Let's see who's got jobs. What are the people driving? How many big screens do you have in the house? And your rent is what?

The first meeting would be scheduled. The next meeting would be at a time interval I determine. After tha second meeting if certain criteria aren't being met, you got to go!

If you're paying $80.00 or less for rent, and you're driving a current model year Lexus or better, something is wrong! If you have no job, but you have a 60inch screen in the house with surround sound, something is wrong! If your children look like they can do a Phat Farm, Rockawear, or Sean John clothing commercial, but you have no food in the fridge for them to eat..... you get the picture.

Basically, it would be my job to bounce these people out on their collective asses. In certain cases, I've seen whole generations of families grow up in these places because they know how to work the system so well. When your funding is about to run out, make some more babies. When you're too old to make babies, get your female children started on it. Sick but true!

I may actually bring this in proposal form to my local department of Lazy Asses Doing Nothing to Make Shit Right. I think I would be perfect to perform the duties necessary to make a difference. I hear there is actually something like this in place already. It just doesn't work. How do I know? Because Johnny so and so just got out of jail 3 months ago and is already driving around in a 5 series BMW!

WTF?