I know where Eve went wrong! I don't need any flack from the bible thumpers on this one. If you feel the need to thump your bible at anyone after you read this, don't thump it here. And if you do, Thump You in advance. (i hate them holy rollin' bitches, this is comedy)
Where was I? Oh yes. I don't think that the 'fruit' that GOD was talking about was actually a fruit at all. Unless it looked like this:
I think GOD was talking about Adam's fruit. A common coloquialism for sperm is seed. GOD didn't want Eve to partake of Adam's 'seed' until he had the whole birth thing worked out. Don't forget, GOD just made all this wonderful shit that is the world we live in. HE was tired. HE needed rest.
Now to give man the power to create more people the way GOD did was just crazy. How would HE show off to all HIS friends if man had the same power HE did? Not gonna happen. But seeing as how HE was so tired, HE was going to take a break and think on it a little.
Women are nosey, we know this. Eve was probably playing around in the Garden touching everything and noticing how things went together. She probably had to urinate or something and noticed that she had a hollow where Adam had 'fruit'.
"Hmm, is it a coincidence that these two things seem to fit together?"
So she goes over to Adam, feels his fruit, and watches in amazement how it reacts to her touch.
Adam, being the upright man that he is was shocked!
"Bitch, didn't GOD tell you not to fuck with my fruit?"
But you know how hard-headed women can be... Eve kept playing with it anyway.
Adam was all fucked up now. He had never had an erection before, and truth be told, it felt kind of good.
But never having had an erection, he didn't know that the blood to sustain it would come from his feet, hands, and head. So now he's stuck. He can't run. He can't hit her with a brick. And he can't think.
Eve didn't quite know what to do with what she had. She remembered how she noticed that her hollow and his fruit seemed to go together. So she tried that for a while. Pretty good. But like most women, Eve was lazy and grew tired of that. Noticing that she had another hole near the first one, she tried that.
"Ouch!"
That wasn't working for her either. Now as any man knows, sperm and urine don't mix. So after being played with for so long, the body goes through it's cycle and Adam begins producing pre-ejaculatory fluid. Eve didn't know what the fuck that shit was, but she got nervous. She thought she broke Adam's dick.
Not knowing what to do, she put her lips to it, thus performing the first blow job. Now any man can tell you, when it first goes in the mouth, it feels good. But you have to feel for Adam, because he was the victim in this. He's laying on the ground drooling like the village idiot, in total shock. That's when it happened.
He splashed off in Eve's mouth. And that's when Eve 'partook' of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. You see, GOD had already decided that that was the way we would pass on information to one another. HE knew men didn't like a whole lot of talking. Hell, HE was a man too! HE figured that we, the men would be able to tell woman what we had to. She would get the information that all women desire. And we wouldn't mind giving it to her.
But Eve fucked it up for everyone, and that's why men and women have the communication problem that we have today. I know it sounds farfetched. But why do you think that some people call the act of giving head, brain? It works out if you think on it for a while.
This is also why women menstruate. Eve didn't know how far she could go up in there with Adam's dick. There used to be a membrane there. In Eve's exuberance, she broke that membrane. Forever. It spends 28 days trying to heal itself, but ultimately it can't. Right when it's almost healed, it breaks again. And then there's the bleeding and all that shit.
It could have been a painless thing. But since Eve had to be a smart ass and do things on her own without asking anyone for help, a readme file, or anything women are doomed for all of eternity.
Don't get mad at me. I'm just the messenger. I'm going to stop right here. It may be a coincidence, but I think I just heard thunder. So, in a nutshell. This is why women don't like to swallow, don't like it in the butt, and why they bleed for several days without dying. Would I lie?
Big Shane
