If I loved any of these women, it would have to be Marya. She was my first real relationship. Although we lived at her parent's house, we had our own space. Our room was right next to her parent's. The only thing between us was a wall and opportunity, but you would never know it. It was like the whole house was ours, and her parents were just an afterthought.

I don't know what it was about her. She made everyday special. Even when I was pissed at her, I still loved her. It was an odd feeling. She really could do no wrong. Whatever she did was forgiveable. Why? I'm not sure, but it had something to do with how she made me feel. I was her everything. She made me feel like I was the most important thing in her universe. At times it had a Fatal Attraction sort of vibe, but even then I knew I was her sole focus.

I attribute this time to when I began to get fat. She made it known that she wasn't sharing me. She actually told me that she got me fat on purpose so no other woman would want me. Dayum. The shit worked too!

Distance killed this relationship more than anything else. Sure there were other things, but the miles between us did more damage than any other thing. Part of me still wishes I was with her. Good thing I listen to my brain over my heart.

Teasha came next. I honestly don't know what the fuck I was thinking of when I hooked up with her. Love? Never had it, never will. More than anything else, our time together began my financial downfall. I would make the money. She would spend it. At the time, I had a little extra money. Enough to get a job and begin to live within the law and still be comfortable. She killed all that. And even when I showed her an alternate way to make money, she couldn't live within those boundaries. There was just never enough.

While money is the worst thing to argue about in a relationship, when that's all you have in that relationship it's what holds you together. It would have taken money dipped in crazy glue, liquid nail, and 5 second epoxy to keep us together. We had no mutual interests at all. How we lasted as long as we did is beyond my comprehension.

As a side note, this is where my Big Daddy persona began to evolve. I'll get to that in a different post on a different day, but here is definately where my other self was born.

Teasha represents what I despise in women. She is the role model for the basic idea behind the He-Man Woman Haters Club. I don't hate all women. Just ones that act like her. Again, more on that later.

Ashley. Now here's an interesting one. I did love this one. I loved her more than I love strawberry jelly on my breakfast toast. She was special. We shared everything. We had what I thought was the bomb relationship. It could get no better. At least that's what I thought.

I don't know when the exact date was, but early in our relationship she decided that fidelity just wasn't her thing. She was smooth about it. I never knew when she was out doing her thing. Love had me appropriatly blinded. It took a blowout between her and her girlfriend to occur before I was even aware of what she was doing. But after that, it was over.

We kept it together for another 4 years, but it wasn't the same. She stopped hiding what she was doing. Well, not really. She was still sort of discreet. But when she did get caught, she was like, 'So. If you don't like it, you can leave me.' Why didn't I leave her ass? I was dating the whore of Babylon and couldn't let go. How can I be such a dumb ass?

There was a time when I would have taken a bullet for this woman. That time is over. There are some residual feelings that still exist. But I believe I have finally gotten over her. She likes to tell me about her current sex life and how good it is. Although she says she's not comparing me to him, I know better. She's using one of my irrational fears to her advantage. While I don't want to hear about the shit she does, I'm glad she tells me about it. It's what gives me the power to finally see her for who and what she really is: A self serving, inconsiderate, manipulative whore. Dayum that feels good to get out!

I write these things about these women not for shock value. I may want to apologize later. Much later. This is what I feel now. At this moment, this is as real as it's going to get. I generally hide behind comedy. I usually don't write about what I really feel. I've got to stop doing that.

I've lived to see the dawn. And guess what? It's all about me!

Big Shane

Forget Rednecks .....here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September
through May, you live in New England .

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you
assistance and they don't work there, you live
in New England .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same
time, you live in New England .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with
someone who dialed a wrong number, you live
in New England .

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York
City for the weekend, you live in New England .

If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England .

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than
once, you live in New England .

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
and back again, you live in New England .

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a
raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England .

If you install security lights on your house and garage,
but leave both unlocked, you live in New England .

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows
how to use them, you live in New England .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over
a snowsuit, you live in New England .

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going
80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England .

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are
filled with snow, you live in New England .

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still
winter and road construction, you live in New England .

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your
car, you live in New England .

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you live in New England .

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them
to all your New England friends & others, you live in
New England

After taking all this time to actually get together and make it 'official', we're on hold. What the fuck is that actually? On hold. It's so sterile. I half expect to hear MUZAK playing in my mind.

The weird thing is this: Nothing's changed.

We did it for all the right reasons. She's going to school. With her classes and going to work, she has enough to juggle without worrying about catering to a boyfriend and his whims. MY whims.

A certain friend of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend. Even though she tried to make it sound good, it was total bullshit. Now I find myself wondering if my situation is the same. It sounds good on the surface, but deep down does it have any validity?

Hell, fuck deep down, does it have any validity? I'm not sure. Was I just giving lip service in an attempt to be the bigger person? Do I really want to be 'on hold'? I'm not sure. No other offers have presented themselves to me. I don't think any will. There is the Libby thing, but I haven't written about that yet.

I've got to think about this for a while. If anyone has a similar experience, holla back.

Big Shane

I've noticed in my own and several other men's relationships that we as men lose a lot. There's different reasons for the loss, but it's all loss. I'll give a few examples.

Before a woman came into the relationship, we had a bed. Now we are lucky to have a 'side' on the bed we bought. My 'side' used to the middle! I remember this clearly. Now that I think about it, I enjoy sleeping in the middle. Not only have I lost real estate, she picks the side she wants. What the hell is that?

Do you know what else we lose? Our possessions! This is especially hard for men to deal with. We love our stuff. What's one of the first things women like to take from us? You guessed it. And it's not like they want it, they just don't see the need for us to have it.

The car that we spent countless dollars on turning it into the ultimate race car gets turned into a minivan. 'Nuff said.

And when did all women turn into personal trainers? I appear to be on some crazy diet. I haven't been able to enjoy a whole meal by myself since day one. Every time I eat, she has to have a tiny bite of this, or a little sip of that. My theory is: If you want some, I'll buy you your own. Her theory is: I'll just share yours. Dammit, I don't want to share!

And then there's the changing we have to go through. We can't watch porn anymore because she doesn't like it. Bitch, I was watching porn before I even knew you! Why should I change now? Going out late with the fellas? Yeah right!

And why do we have to give all this up? PUSSY! Personally, I'd rather just masturbate than give up all my stuff. But I'm not even allowed to do that anymore! Shit!

Big Shane