Can you believe this mother fucking shit? There's a new crime out in the world. They call it pump jackin'. It's happening all over the place. Here's how it goes down:

You roll up to the gas station. As is the custom now, you have to pre-pay for your gas. While you go do that, someone pushes your car out of the way, and then proceeds to steal the gas you paid for! Sounds crazy right?

The worst part is who's actually doing it. Women! New age soccer moms driving those big assed SUV's! When gas was a bit cheaper it was the cool thing to do to get the biggest vehicle you could. The arguments ranged from, "I want to put my family in the biggest, safest automobile I can", to "fuck you greenpeace bitches, I'll drive what I want".

But now, after all the drama overseas with the oil and shit, gas prices are through the roof. Remember when you could get half a tank of gas, and some cigarettes for $10.00? You do? You old mother fucker!

Just watch your back. They're out there, and they're waiting for you! Do not trust anyone. Especially a minivan full of children with no adult in sight. That bitch is out there, and she's just waiting to catch you slipping.

You've been warned.

Big Shane

Okay, I know I talk a lot of crap here. But hey this is my forum, and that's what I do. That being said, if you have a problem with what you read here, piss off! I never made or even asked you to read my works. You came here on your own! If you don't like my constant references to BrokeBack Mountain and other acts of faggotry, take your ass-boxing, pole-smoking, rump wrangling, stick bumping ass somewhere the fuck else! And the next time you private message me with your hate mail, I will post it here for everyone to laugh at your ass. Pun intended bitch! Now, we can be done with this shit, or take it to that other level. You decide, you sperm burping bastard!

Mr. Bitches

I got this from Misty, but since it made me laugh like hell, (and I'm going to the beach today), I'm going to post it here for all to read. Thanks Misty! You may consider yourself an Honorary Woman Hater!

When He Says: He Really Means
------------ ---------------
Do you have the time?
Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex.

How are you? in bed, I mean.

I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex, but I'm married.

I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with with the wife.

I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books.

I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.

I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job.

I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring.

I'm in television. I fix them.

I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard.

I'm self-employed. I just got fired.

I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.

I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job locally in this town.

I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.

I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse.

I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers.

I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.

I love opera. I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.

I play the market. Safeway

I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer.

I work with computers. I'm a cashier at a gas station.

Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex.

My business is really hot right now! I hand out towels in a steam room.

My job keeps me running. I'm a messenger.

My wife and I are separated. She's at home I'm here at the bar.

Thanks again Misty! I'll hit you all with something hot when I get back from the beach.

Big Shane

How many times have you wanted to say this to a woman and just didn't? Or couldn't? To be honest, it hasn't happened to me a lot, just enough...

I get so fed up with women thinking that just because I'm a man that I have to come out of my pocket for everything? How is it that women only want equal rights when it's convienient for them? I would like to be taken to a movie or to dinner too!

Do you have any idea how nice it would be if when I pulled into a gas station, the woman got out and paid while I sat in the car, in the rain, at night, in a fucked up neighborhood to put gas in MY car? And paid for it too? I'd do it for you! And you probably wouldn't have to ask me to do it. Why? It's just what a nice man does. Or so you women think.

It's getting hard out here. If you want nice things; if you want to go to nice places; you might have to ante up. If you've got Federal, I got state and local. Or some shit like that. If not, the next time you order something from the 'fucking' side of the menu, you know the one, the one without the prices on it.... you might get a suprise. 10 minutes after I excuse myself from the table to go to the men's room, you may recieve a phone call telling you I'm in the car, 5 blocks down the road. I know how to make do with the $1.00 menu at several fast food restaurants! Do you?

It's not even that I'm broke, or can't afford shit, it's like this: Why do women try to get all EXTRA on a man when we're taking them out? Why do you try and see just how much we're willing to spend on you? It's not all about the money. I'm spending TIME with your ass! Doesn't that count for something? I made the effort to make sure I had on an outfit that matched. I probably showered before I came to get you. Maybe I paid Merry Maids to clean the house before I brought you there so you didn't see anything that would offend your sensibilities when you walked in. Am I getting through to you yet?

All I'm saying is this: The quickest way to a man's heart is NOT through the wallet. Remember that.

I'll be awaiting your hate mail!

Big Shane

Men are NOT mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like
soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, NOT a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO
idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't
want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
and Please
Pass this to as many women as you can!

Back with a vengence

Big Shane