There are several reasons why I can't win Powerball. Some are more obvious than others, but they're all fucked up.

In my experience, there are two kinds of people who win any major lottery. The first are people who already have money. These people are usually white and pretty well off to begin with. It makes you wonder what the hell were they doing playing PowerBall in the first place.

The second type are the dirt-poor bastards who don't even know what money looks like. These people are polar opposites to the above people. With these people you have to wonder how in the hell did they get a dollar to even play!

Sadly, I fall into neither of these categories. Frankly, that pisses me off. I PowerBall dream a lot. It's my thing. It's what I do! Should I ever hit, I know exactly what I'll do. And since you're still reading, I'll let you know what that is.

Originally, I was going to have my sister claim the money for me. I have two of the most precious children in the world. Their mom's on the other hand, not so precious. In order to keep them from digging in my pockets, I was going to have my sister claim my money and then give me what I needed to do whatever it was that i was doing that day. Then it hit me... I could afford to have them shot on sight! That changed things!

As I was standing there receiving my big assed check, I would take a few moments to read an alphabetized list of the people who can kiss my black ass! My son's mom would be 1st, 9th, and 33rd on that list. For the things she's done to me, she can pucker up and kiss my ass several times. Especially since she's going to have a bad 'accident' several hours after I sign my check. Dayum those city busses, always running over innocent pedestrians!

I would hook up my people. I would pay off my mother and father's mortgages, and give them a few upgrades they've been wanting. My sister, who is my hero, would have to wait until her house was built. To her exacting specifications of course. I would get my man Jason a 4-bay garage to run his business from. Additionally, I would give him enough money so he can make sure his wife 'catches' the same bus my son's mom will be 'catching'.

There's more I'd do, but it involves things that my readers probably don't want to know about. Nothing obscene really, just graphic. The usual man shit, penis extensions, midgets, oriental brothels. You know, MAN shit. He-Man shit!

So those are the reasons I won't be winning PowerBall any time soon. That doesn't mean I won't keep trying though!

Fisk: OUT!